One of the last things my ex-husband said as he was leaving was that he couldn’t do “the husband thing” anymore. He could do the “daddy thing”, but not the “husband thing”. I just wanted him to want to work it out. He wanted to leave. There was nothing else I could do or say, just let the chips fall. Let the dream go. Let it happen, my worst nightmare. Thus began a new chapter from rock bottom.
Being that he said he couldn’t do the “husband thing” anymore and my deep desire to DO the wife thing, you can imagine my confusion when the girls came home, THRILLED that daddy was getting married again. Of course, I’m happy the girls are happy, but they don’t understand. They don’t know. I did everything within my power to put on my happy face for them and turn away when the tears fell. I cried for two days. Not because I wanted him back, I could never trust him again…..But, because of the deep desire I have and always have had for a family unit. Not just any family unit, a healthy one. A God-loving, God-fearing, God-first family. The kind that can make it through anything. The kind I tried so hard to have.
I host a women’s Bible study on Wednesday nights. Last night, I felt the Spirit speak straight to my heart. I went in heavy and came out reassured. Our lesson was all about the times in life when there are no answers. The illness or abuse of a child, the tragic death of a teen, the loss of a pregnant mother, a tornado that demolishes a town, a deranged shooter who kills the innocent, a dreaded diagnosis, a marriage torn apart by selfishness. So many events in this life that leave people looking to God and pastors with a “why”? “Why would God allow this?” “Where is this God you speak of in the midst of all this?” Traumatic events that change a life forever without permission…..on a dime.
The verse that nailed my confusion was: Then the Lord said, “Here is a place for you to stand by me on this large rock. I will put you in a large crack in that rock. Then I will cover you with my hand, and my Glory will pass by. Then I will take away my hand, and you will see my back. But you will not see my face.” Exodus 33:21-23 (ERV)
In these events when we can not understand, He places us in the crack right beside Him. Our vision is impeded, because it’s in these times, that His hand is covering us the tightest. What we see as darkness is His covering, His Glory. Him. He is still in control when we are not, He still hears when we can not, He is still sovereign and we never were. Our understanding may be hindered, but His is not…ever.
He doesn’t just see our situation…He sees them all. Every heart, every tear, every injustice, every single one and they hurt His heart too. There are times when we can’t give or see any justifiable reason for an event. We can only trust God, in His sovereignty, to see and to know. To trust His heart when we cannot see His plan is faith. And, I want more of it…..